Have you ever fantasized about your future? Or where and what you will be doing a year from now? I think about all of this all the time. Last year on the 4th of July, my mom, Myla, and myself watched the downtown fireworks from the top of the parking garage at Riley. I had envision that next year(this year) would be different....Jenna would no longer be in the hosptital and she would be watching them with us this year. I envisioned her getting her transplant and learning to live life as a normal child. I envisioned finishing up school, having a job, and just enjoying every minute of my life with the little loves of my life. Everything I envisioned last year, looks completely different as I reflect on last summer. Every day I relive moments that happened last year...Jenna being taken off the vent, coding and going back on, biopsys, cardiac caths, insurance phone calls, transplant meetings and signing the papers, wondering what infection or how high a fever was. Life as a NICU parent was definately by far not easy. I learned so much in a short 9 1/2 weeks, met some awesome nurses and friends. I owe a lot to them for their support and for taking care of Jenna.
As I go through this summer visiting memories from last summer, I'm envisioning how this next year will be and what next summer will be like. I've learned that I need to look at the positive in everything. My life is far from perfect, I am working on changing some parts of my life. I really think that it has helped to be back in school. I am now in my second qtr back and only have 2-3 more left until graduation. Going back has helped me re-direct my focus and help in many aspects, social and professionally. I envision next summer to be a summer of celebration....celebrate a milestone in my life of graduating college, Myla starting school, and maybe have a new love in my life, a new job, a new place to live, a new car.....a fresh start at life!
I know that no matter what Jenna will always be with me, she is my guardian angel. I have a counselor that I talk to and I lay it all out there to her. Being that I have decided that I need to start looking at the positive in everything, she told me the last time that I talked to her "You have such a great outlook on everything and such grace to get through everything that you have been though! You are amazing and I am in awe of you!" To hear that from a grief counselor feels amazing. I know that in the midst of a dark storm, there is always going to be something good that comes from it...no matter what the situation. I look at my divorce and look at it being a second chance to be happy and in love again and to start fresh. With Jenna, I learned that no matter how much you are hurting inside, at least you know who your angel is and I can always have my Jenna time when I watch the sunsets.
But most importantly, I think that it is important to know that as much as it may help to always look at the positive in everything, and figure out what you need to change in your life to make sure you are happy, you need to remember that you will hit bumps in the road and life isn't always going to be unicorns and rainbows.
***With all of that being said....I've hit a lot of bumps in the road in the last year. My life hasn't gone like I was hoping or had envisioned it. I had a hazy period where I hated to be alone and did everything I could to not be alone. I have had a few lulls of depression where I didn't want to talk to be around anyone, not that they did anything wrong, or that I didn't appreciate what everyone has done for me and my family, but one thing I learned about myself is that when I am depressed I tend to not talk to anyone or go do anything....and I know that between Thanksgiving and New Year's I hit a bug bump with that. It was the first holidays without Jenna and all so very overwhelming. New Years was the worst for me, reality set in and I didn't want 2011 to end. During that time frame, I lost a few of my closest friends that I miss dearly, and wish that we could re-connect. It has taken me almost a year to come back around full circle and get back to a life of normalcy again. I miss my girlfriends, and I miss that girl time. I can't even begin to to express how much I appreciate everyones support and help since last June. From the very bottom of my heart I am forever grateful for everything that was done for myself and my family....from close friends to people I've never even met!! I can't even express how much it means to me! And I hope that I can re-connect with friends again and that we can continue our journey with awesome friendships again! I'm coming back around on things, please don't give up on me! :) ***
As I come up on Jenna's first angelversary, I am lucky enough to be able to go on an all expenses paid vacation with my best friend of 16 years to the Cayman Islands in a few days. I have decided that I think I couldn't be happier than to bring a tiny piece of Jenna with me...1) so that she can come with me and 2) assuming I can bring my self to do it, I will spread that tiny bit of ashes into the ocean of paradise at sunset. I think this is a perfect opportunity for a new beginning and to celebrate my daughters first year as a beautiful angel! Also on August 17, I plan on doing a balloon release at sunset to send her some more kisses!
"Wake up every morning with the thought that something wonderful is about to happen!"
