Have you ever fantasized about your future? Or where and what you will be doing a year from now? I think about all of this all the time. Last year on the 4th of July, my mom, Myla, and myself watched the downtown fireworks from the top of the parking garage at Riley. I had envision that next year(this year) would be different....Jenna would no longer be in the hosptital and she would be watching them with us this year. I envisioned her getting her transplant and learning to live life as a normal child. I envisioned finishing up school, having a job, and just enjoying every minute of my life with the little loves of my life. Everything I envisioned last year, looks completely different as I reflect on last summer. Every day I relive moments that happened last year...Jenna being taken off the vent, coding and going back on, biopsys, cardiac caths, insurance phone calls, transplant meetings and signing the papers, wondering what infection or how high a fever was. Life as a NICU parent was definately by far not easy. I learned so much in a short 9 1/2 weeks, met some awesome nurses and friends. I owe a lot to them for their support and for taking care of Jenna.
As I go through this summer visiting memories from last summer, I'm envisioning how this next year will be and what next summer will be like. I've learned that I need to look at the positive in everything. My life is far from perfect, I am working on changing some parts of my life. I really think that it has helped to be back in school. I am now in my second qtr back and only have 2-3 more left until graduation. Going back has helped me re-direct my focus and help in many aspects, social and professionally. I envision next summer to be a summer of celebration....celebrate a milestone in my life of graduating college, Myla starting school, and maybe have a new love in my life, a new job, a new place to live, a new car.....a fresh start at life!
I know that no matter what Jenna will always be with me, she is my guardian angel. I have a counselor that I talk to and I lay it all out there to her. Being that I have decided that I need to start looking at the positive in everything, she told me the last time that I talked to her "You have such a great outlook on everything and such grace to get through everything that you have been though! You are amazing and I am in awe of you!" To hear that from a grief counselor feels amazing. I know that in the midst of a dark storm, there is always going to be something good that comes from it...no matter what the situation. I look at my divorce and look at it being a second chance to be happy and in love again and to start fresh. With Jenna, I learned that no matter how much you are hurting inside, at least you know who your angel is and I can always have my Jenna time when I watch the sunsets.
But most importantly, I think that it is important to know that as much as it may help to always look at the positive in everything, and figure out what you need to change in your life to make sure you are happy, you need to remember that you will hit bumps in the road and life isn't always going to be unicorns and rainbows.
***With all of that being said....I've hit a lot of bumps in the road in the last year. My life hasn't gone like I was hoping or had envisioned it. I had a hazy period where I hated to be alone and did everything I could to not be alone. I have had a few lulls of depression where I didn't want to talk to be around anyone, not that they did anything wrong, or that I didn't appreciate what everyone has done for me and my family, but one thing I learned about myself is that when I am depressed I tend to not talk to anyone or go do anything....and I know that between Thanksgiving and New Year's I hit a bug bump with that. It was the first holidays without Jenna and all so very overwhelming. New Years was the worst for me, reality set in and I didn't want 2011 to end. During that time frame, I lost a few of my closest friends that I miss dearly, and wish that we could re-connect. It has taken me almost a year to come back around full circle and get back to a life of normalcy again. I miss my girlfriends, and I miss that girl time. I can't even begin to to express how much I appreciate everyones support and help since last June. From the very bottom of my heart I am forever grateful for everything that was done for myself and my family....from close friends to people I've never even met!! I can't even express how much it means to me! And I hope that I can re-connect with friends again and that we can continue our journey with awesome friendships again! I'm coming back around on things, please don't give up on me! :) ***
As I come up on Jenna's first angelversary, I am lucky enough to be able to go on an all expenses paid vacation with my best friend of 16 years to the Cayman Islands in a few days. I have decided that I think I couldn't be happier than to bring a tiny piece of Jenna with me...1) so that she can come with me and 2) assuming I can bring my self to do it, I will spread that tiny bit of ashes into the ocean of paradise at sunset. I think this is a perfect opportunity for a new beginning and to celebrate my daughters first year as a beautiful angel! Also on August 17, I plan on doing a balloon release at sunset to send her some more kisses!
"Wake up every morning with the thought that something wonderful is about to happen!"
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A new year....
As a new year starts, every one likes to start fresh. I think any one would agree with me that 2011 was the worst year of my life. It was all about change and adjusting. Adjusting to a new way of life through a divorce and being a single mom, adjusting my time and life to be at Jenna's side as much as possible, adjusting to only having one child and learning how to change the way I dealt with life and certain days. I planned 2 funerals instead of a first birthday party, I've had to explain over and over again to Myla why Jenna isn't coming back. I knew that I was going to have to explain it to her over and over again before she understood it, but I was hoping that every time I did it would get easier, but it was just the opposite. She would ask me and catch me off guard, and on a day that I was doing ok, and then all of a sudden a wave of emotions would come over me.
When my divorce started, I knew that life was going to be tough being a single mom of 2 kids, one being special needs...I didn't think it was going to be this tough and that I would have had to deal with losing a child. As time goes on, I have learned to keep myself busy. The hardest times are when Myla goes to her dads (yes I know, time to my self should be quite enjoyable), as much as I enjoy the short break I miss my little bugger like crazy, and that is when I find myself missing Jenna the most. I think it's because when Myla is around she keeps me occupied, but when she isn't around I actually have time to sit and reflect, which is when I feel lonely and lost....almost like my whole world has fallen apart. But, I do have some awesome friends that are there for me, keep me company, and always ask how I am doing....and I can't thank each one of them enough or explain to them how much they mean to Myla and I.
I like to take time every new year and reflect on the past year and see what I can change to make the new year better, and this year, it won't take much! I am finding new ways to cope with losing Jenna, getting into a healthier lifestyle and to feel good about my self and body, de-clutter and re-organize my life (and house), learn to enjoy every day of life, and most importantly find a new normal and learn to be happy again. It's going to take time, but it will be worth it. There are things that happened last year that I can't change, and there are things that I changed last year that had positive and negative aspects, but we all learn from our past and that is the only way we know how to change it.
I have been through many firsts this past year and there will be many more to come this year. All being important dates or holidays. Counting Wednesdays and ironically looking at the clock at 10:42am, the 17th of each month, Jenna's first birthday, what would have been her second halloween but really her first since she was in the NICU in 2010, the first thanksgiving, Christmas and New year without Jenna. And as much as I hated 2011, I'm honestly scared to go into 2012....I feel like I left my child behind and if I go back in time I can have her back, even though I know it doesn't work that way. I am not looking forward to August this year at all, but at the same time I do like to embrace the strength I have gained from what I have been through and the lessons I have learned. I will always honor my Jenna bear no matter what. Yes I wish I could hug her, kiss her, tickle her, listen to her giggle, or just watch her kick her feet again, but those are all memories that I will never let go of.
I will make the best of 2012, and learn to love, trust, and be happy again. I know that Jenna is in an absolutely wonderful place where there is no more hurt or pain. And knowing that, I need to learn that as painful as it is and as hurt as I am and as much as I miss her, she wants me to be happy and feel the same way, but it is definitly easier said than done! But that is going to be part of the strength I work on that will take lots of time
Happy New Year my sweet angel!!!
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and ideath shall be no more, jneither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” ~Revelation 21:4
When my divorce started, I knew that life was going to be tough being a single mom of 2 kids, one being special needs...I didn't think it was going to be this tough and that I would have had to deal with losing a child. As time goes on, I have learned to keep myself busy. The hardest times are when Myla goes to her dads (yes I know, time to my self should be quite enjoyable), as much as I enjoy the short break I miss my little bugger like crazy, and that is when I find myself missing Jenna the most. I think it's because when Myla is around she keeps me occupied, but when she isn't around I actually have time to sit and reflect, which is when I feel lonely and lost....almost like my whole world has fallen apart. But, I do have some awesome friends that are there for me, keep me company, and always ask how I am doing....and I can't thank each one of them enough or explain to them how much they mean to Myla and I.
I like to take time every new year and reflect on the past year and see what I can change to make the new year better, and this year, it won't take much! I am finding new ways to cope with losing Jenna, getting into a healthier lifestyle and to feel good about my self and body, de-clutter and re-organize my life (and house), learn to enjoy every day of life, and most importantly find a new normal and learn to be happy again. It's going to take time, but it will be worth it. There are things that happened last year that I can't change, and there are things that I changed last year that had positive and negative aspects, but we all learn from our past and that is the only way we know how to change it.
I have been through many firsts this past year and there will be many more to come this year. All being important dates or holidays. Counting Wednesdays and ironically looking at the clock at 10:42am, the 17th of each month, Jenna's first birthday, what would have been her second halloween but really her first since she was in the NICU in 2010, the first thanksgiving, Christmas and New year without Jenna. And as much as I hated 2011, I'm honestly scared to go into 2012....I feel like I left my child behind and if I go back in time I can have her back, even though I know it doesn't work that way. I am not looking forward to August this year at all, but at the same time I do like to embrace the strength I have gained from what I have been through and the lessons I have learned. I will always honor my Jenna bear no matter what. Yes I wish I could hug her, kiss her, tickle her, listen to her giggle, or just watch her kick her feet again, but those are all memories that I will never let go of.
I will make the best of 2012, and learn to love, trust, and be happy again. I know that Jenna is in an absolutely wonderful place where there is no more hurt or pain. And knowing that, I need to learn that as painful as it is and as hurt as I am and as much as I miss her, she wants me to be happy and feel the same way, but it is definitly easier said than done! But that is going to be part of the strength I work on that will take lots of time
Happy New Year my sweet angel!!!
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and ideath shall be no more, jneither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” ~Revelation 21:4
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)