As Christmas gets closer and closer, the more it hits me that I don't have Jenna, nor do I have to buy or wrap presents for her and it makes me so sad that I feel like I am leaving one of my kids out of my favorite holiday. As I was sitting here the other day wrapping presents I was listening to music and a song came on and I just lost it! I was listening to the words....and as I was listening to them it just hurt more and more. I will never see my little girl running through a sprinkler with a popsicle face, ride her first bike, playing with her big sister, meeting the boy she has a crush on, or watch her get married. There is nothing I can do to change any of this but as I watch Myla grow I can;t help but think about Jenna and what she would be doing right now. She would be 14 months the day after Christmas, would my girls be chasing each other? Would Myla be "reading" her books? Would she be walking, crawling, talking?
I miss cuddling with both of my girls and watching Christmas movies, I miss dancing with both girls in the living room to music, I miss that I can't yell at Jenna to leave the tree or ornaments alone LOL, or that Myla would try to unwrap presents and would blame it on Jenna.
On 12/17 it was 4 months since I held my baby girl in my arms, touched her, hugged her, kissed her, snuggled her, and watched her take her last breath as I told her I loved her. As painful as it was to watch her all summer I would go back in a heart beat and wish that I would have and could have held and held that little girl more. I would have done anything I could have to make it all better, or at least better than it was. I hated seeing my little girl in pain but I miss her looking at me with her sweet eyes just telling me that she wants me to be with her!
I can't avoid the holidays, but I can embrace the time that I did have with her and do things in her memory. I will donate toys to Riley every year in her honor, I miss our Riley doctors and nurses. I did have a love/hate relationship with them (i loved to hate them, but hated to love them...in the words of Dr. Ackerman) and a few of them be came very close to my family and was there for us every step of the way. Jen, Nataline, Kristine, Dr. Ackerman, Spree(Angela), Rosie....I miss every single one of you ladies!! You will never know how much you mean to me.
As I work on getting through my first Christmas without Jenna and being divorced, I see 2012 being a great year. I have some personal goals that I WILL accomplish and will do for Jenna and her battle with congestive heart failure.
Here is a link to the song that I was listening to while wrapping presents....http://www.vevo.com/watch/chuck-wicks/stealing-cinderella/USRV50700031?source=instantsearch
And here is a song that I always cuddled my girls to and would sing and dance with them, and Myla and I still do and end it with "we love and miss you everyday Jenna".... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_DKWlrA24k&ob=av2n
"Merry Christmas my sweet angel! Some people only dream of angels, but I got to hold one in my arms" I love you and miss you ever second of every day!! Love Always, Mommy
