As a new year starts, every one likes to start fresh. I think any one would agree with me that 2011 was the worst year of my life. It was all about change and adjusting. Adjusting to a new way of life through a divorce and being a single mom, adjusting my time and life to be at Jenna's side as much as possible, adjusting to only having one child and learning how to change the way I dealt with life and certain days. I planned 2 funerals instead of a first birthday party, I've had to explain over and over again to Myla why Jenna isn't coming back. I knew that I was going to have to explain it to her over and over again before she understood it, but I was hoping that every time I did it would get easier, but it was just the opposite. She would ask me and catch me off guard, and on a day that I was doing ok, and then all of a sudden a wave of emotions would come over me.
When my divorce started, I knew that life was going to be tough being a single mom of 2 kids, one being special needs...I didn't think it was going to be this tough and that I would have had to deal with losing a child. As time goes on, I have learned to keep myself busy. The hardest times are when Myla goes to her dads (yes I know, time to my self should be quite enjoyable), as much as I enjoy the short break I miss my little bugger like crazy, and that is when I find myself missing Jenna the most. I think it's because when Myla is around she keeps me occupied, but when she isn't around I actually have time to sit and reflect, which is when I feel lonely and lost....almost like my whole world has fallen apart. But, I do have some awesome friends that are there for me, keep me company, and always ask how I am doing....and I can't thank each one of them enough or explain to them how much they mean to Myla and I.
I like to take time every new year and reflect on the past year and see what I can change to make the new year better, and this year, it won't take much! I am finding new ways to cope with losing Jenna, getting into a healthier lifestyle and to feel good about my self and body, de-clutter and re-organize my life (and house), learn to enjoy every day of life, and most importantly find a new normal and learn to be happy again. It's going to take time, but it will be worth it. There are things that happened last year that I can't change, and there are things that I changed last year that had positive and negative aspects, but we all learn from our past and that is the only way we know how to change it.
I have been through many firsts this past year and there will be many more to come this year. All being important dates or holidays. Counting Wednesdays and ironically looking at the clock at 10:42am, the 17th of each month, Jenna's first birthday, what would have been her second halloween but really her first since she was in the NICU in 2010, the first thanksgiving, Christmas and New year without Jenna. And as much as I hated 2011, I'm honestly scared to go into 2012....I feel like I left my child behind and if I go back in time I can have her back, even though I know it doesn't work that way. I am not looking forward to August this year at all, but at the same time I do like to embrace the strength I have gained from what I have been through and the lessons I have learned. I will always honor my Jenna bear no matter what. Yes I wish I could hug her, kiss her, tickle her, listen to her giggle, or just watch her kick her feet again, but those are all memories that I will never let go of.
I will make the best of 2012, and learn to love, trust, and be happy again. I know that Jenna is in an absolutely wonderful place where there is no more hurt or pain. And knowing that, I need to learn that as painful as it is and as hurt as I am and as much as I miss her, she wants me to be happy and feel the same way, but it is definitly easier said than done! But that is going to be part of the strength I work on that will take lots of time
Happy New Year my sweet angel!!!
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and ideath shall be no more, jneither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” ~Revelation 21:4
